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Monday, 1 September 2003
more movies that sucked
A-i liked it
B- it was ok
C- it was bad but i could still sit throuhg it
D-horrible
f-one word, shit
Fast and the Furious
poor acting, shit hole cars and a serious lack of a plot. the only good thing about this mnovie is not that it has vin deisel and a dodge charger in it but the fact that vin deisel is IN the dodge charger. muscle men in muscle cars, growl. plotless as this movie was the basis of it, actually the whole point of the movie, is about the korean men after the white folk cuz our cars are faster louser prettier and more annoying than theirs(read my page about honda civics and you'll find out how i feel about rice burners.) This movie was terrible. vin diesel is hot. D
Baby Genius
Anyone who saw this and liked it was a flaming homo! The whole point of the dam movie was mutant children who were smart and who could =talk. whoopdi do. the only thing that saved me from seeing the whole movie was the fact that half way through the movie i chocked on a jelly bean and had to leave or i'd die, either from boredom or from the jelly bean lodged in my throat, i didn't know whih one was more painful. F
Bounce
Ben Affleck is hot. Gwenith powtrow is a lucky bitch.the movie was horrible. look chic your husband is dead and you just so happened to fall in love with the man who he meet and switched planes with at the airport before hi plane blew up and he died a slow painful death and left you to raise 3 kids alone, get over it you hag. the acting was bad and i hate sappy movies and the only thing that kept me awake was the hope that elves would come and rip off ben affleck's clothing. it never happened. damn. F
Biker Boys
Simple. sucked ass. it was Fast and the furious on motorcycles, did anyone get the memo, obviously not. the only thing seperating the two movies was the lack of asian people. it blew. F
Posted by focusonthepain
at 5:32 PM EDT
Award shows can shove it!
now adays it seems that there are award shows for everything. theres one for every type of entertainment, movies, tv shows, music, music videos, plays. personaly i think that ward shows is just another excuse for famous people to prance around on stage and show off how rich they are and how rich we are not. i ttok it upon myself to make up my own award shows:
*award for best prostitue: is it candy the crack whore or the skank ass bitch who stole her corner?
*award for best flavored condom: is it chemically engineered chicken nuggets or raw fish? tough decision
*who would make a better president than george bush? is it uncle fester or rhe lead singer of metallica.
these are just a few ideas that i have considered approaching CBS or NBC with. i wonder how long it will take them to kick me out. ifit's under 2 minutes than i know that i am doing my job correctly.
Posted by focusonthepain
at 4:30 PM EDT
Avril Lavine is canadian
NEWS FLASH: Avril lavine sucks canadian ass! she is not a trend setter, she is a poser. Just because she sulks around in a wife beater and arm woarmers and a bad attitude, it doesn't make her any different than all the other higher schoolers that are mad at their parents in North America. here are the top 5 reasons why i want to kick her canadian ass back to canada.
1.) she's a poser. lets ply a game. its called go around to every highschool in america and count how many people you see who look like Avril "I'm canadian" Lavine.
2.) she's Canadian, that all i have to say aboot that.
3.)she walks around like she has a tampon stuck up her ass. she shoves past old people and knocks down little kids. she gives our generation a bad rep.
4.)she's canadian
5.)her songs are bad, no let me rephrase that, her songs SUCK! Complicates~amazingly over played. Skater Boy~ she rejected him and he found someone else. your mad cuz he's famous and you could be famous for being married to him. get over it you greedy little bitch.
should i give her a chance? maybe if someone wedged that tampon outta her ass. Wait, sorry she's canadian, die bitch die.
Posted by focusonthepain
at 4:14 PM EDT
Saturday, 30 August 2003
movies i hate that begin with "T" and end in "ianic"
Titanic Fans: Eat Me.
My people are endangered. Dropping like flies, one-by-one, they turn to the dark side. Not me. I'm one of the few still fighting the good war: I still haven't seen Titanic.
Why do I refuse to see this movie? It's bullshit. That's why. As far as I understand, it's a love story. But is it really? To me, it sounds like the theme of adultery in disguise. Why go through all the trouble of recreating every meticulous detail of the Titanic and its era if you're going to create some fictional love story to go along with it? WHO CARES? What's the point? If you've seen the Titanic, ask your self what the movie meant to you. If you have to think about the answer, your answer is wrong. The answer is nothing. The Titanic means nothing. It's old news, and this new love story is bullshit. Simple as that. Go watch Rambo II or something, and quit raving about the movie.
Then come the idiots. The flaming Titanic idiots from hell. Those morons that buy the movie, and then edit the nudity so they can watch it with their families. But then they leave in all the savage violence and hatred in the movie, along with the entire theme of adultery. Sure, why not? Class segregation and adultery are acceptable family values, but heaven forbid people see a little nudity. It might cause everybody to break out into an orgy of sex and violence. Please.
I wonder why the Titanic appeals to the intellect of 13 year old girls? Maybe because it's a shitty, simple movie for shitty simple people. Shitty, Shitty, Shitty, Shitty. I can't say it enough. Titanic is shitty. Only shit-eaters would see it. Worthless. Leave me alone.
people have turned to the dark side.
Posted by focusonthepain
at 5:26 AM EDT
more movie reviews
I'm right, go to hell.
You've Got Mail - No. I will never see this movie, ever. That guy.. I forgot his name.. the shit-head. And her.. I hate her. Stupid. I'm sick of all these "feel good" movies these days. I wonder if anybody actually feels better after seeing one of these movies, or if they try to convince themselves that they do, just so they can cope with the fact that they've wasted their time.
Step Mom - You know.. every once in a while, there comes a movie that's so shitty, you have to wonder how anyone can capture the essence of shit so well. This is one of those movies where you just say "Oh damn.. not another movie by that hag Julia Roberts.." when you see the commercials. What the hell were they thinking? Kids? Moms? Nobody wants to see kids and moms. I go to a movie to see one thing: ass kicking. What ever happened to good movies like Army of Darkness and Rambo? This new generation of movies is creating a nation of nancy boys and people who are afraid to be a little politically incorrect. Oh, and the music they play on the commercial is the worst.
Ever After - I don't have any friends that have seen this movie. I will never have any friends that have seen this movie. I hate this movie. That evil cinderella bitch. What kind of jackass makes a movie about "the will of mankind"? The will of mankind? What the hell is the will of mankind? Actually, I'm not sure if they said that during the promotions. But they said something like that, I think. Okay, even if they didn't, they probably would have. Those jerks. The advertisements for the movie shows Drew Barrymore (sp) jumping into a river or some other such bullshit, while they play some ass ambient nature-techno in the background (I think it's Enya or Enigma), the kind of shitty music that hippies and feminists listen to while they burn incense and read poetry about trees and earth spirits. Who the hell do they think they are?
Titanic - I hate it plenty
That Thing You Do - I almost forgot about this shit factory. It's one of the worst movies I've never seen. What a shitty concept for a movie.. whatever it's about. It's probably stupid. It has music in it, so it can't be good. When will people learn? Nobody wants to see a bunch of losers dancing and singing. We want to see death. Violence. Murder. The decay of western society. We want to see it all, and we want it to be gross. If it's not offensive, it's just not. Not fun. Boo.
Dark City - This one looked like one of those movies with lots of hype, but nothing happens in the movie. Literally nothing. My friends are suckers for these types of movies. I heard it sucked, and I'm glad I didn't see it.
Posted by focusonthepain
at 5:24 AM EDT
Updated: Monday, 1 September 2003 3:27 PM EDT
movie reviews:movies i've seen
Ratings are as follows:
***** 100% kick ass. Offensive to women and children; gratuitous violence; people getting killed and maimed; robots; old people being tortured; etc.
**** Lacking a little in violence and/or nudity. It could have been so much better without a plot.
*** Had potential, but they had to ruin it with mushy love bullshit, and not enough people having their arms chopped off.
** The kind of movie that all your shit-head friends want to see, but you don't, so they drag you along anyway, but you turn out to be right and the movie sucks.
* This movie is like dog shit. No, it's worse than dog shit. It's like a sculpture of a baboon's ass made out of dog shit.
*Wrongfully Accused - This movie was depressingly bad. I've got to remember to never see another Lesly Nielson movie again. It's full of slap stick humor and shit jokes (not the good kind). If you liked this movie, take a piece of paper, in big black letters write the word "DUMBASS" on it, tape it to your back, and walk into a train. You make me sick.
**Henry - You've probably never heard of this movie because it sucks so much ass. It's about a serial killer that kills people because his mom was a prostitute as a child.. boooring, NEXT. The only cool part in the movie was this fat guy that kicked the serial killer's ass. One of my favorite quotes of his is when he yells "What the hell's wrong with you?? 'Got shit in your ears?" Right after he beats a baby seal to death. Okay.. I made that part up. But trust me, don't see this movie.
*Patch Adams - Horrible. It's the worst movie ever made, next to Titanic, Ever After, and Step Mom. I used to think Robin Williams was okay.. until he ate all that shit in Patch Adams.
****Saving Private Ryan - Ignore the first and last five minutes, and it's great. Lots of violence, people being shot and maimed, explosions, chaos.
***Holy Man - This movie sucks. It started out okay for the first 15 minutes or so, but then it went on about love and people smiling and hugging each other. It's supposed to give you a warm fuzzy joy happy singing dance feeling. Makes me want to PUKE. The movie became almost intolerable at the end: they go to some party and dance together, and then they turn into sappy wimps saying stuff like "ooh.. I love the way you dance.. lets make out.." or something. Anyway, don't see it.
**The Avengers - The phrase "What the hell?" sums up this movie. I fell asleep half way during it, and still understood as much as my friends did. Nobody knows what the hell's going on, not even the actors. They should have just made it a movie about explosions and hippy abuse. At least then I'd laugh.
****Pi - This movie is about some crazy math guy that tries to find patterns in the stock market. It turns out that what he finds has very deep implications in some ancient hebrew scriptures, and so he gets stalked by two groups of people interested in his findings. I thought it was a pretty good movie, but for the sake of being a jerk, I'm going to say it sucked. Screw you.
people hate all the movies I like.
Posted by focusonthepain
at 5:23 AM EDT
Five things that sucked about Lord of the Rings.
don't get me wrond i liked the movie. mainly only because i got to see orlando bloom dismount ass first off of a horse. grrooow. but here are 5 reasons why it sucked ass.
1. It didn't have Lo Pan in it.
That's right. I'm talking about the perpetuator of ass kicking himself, Lo Pan from Big Trouble in Little China: one of the best movies ever made. Lo Pan, for those of you who are adept at depriving yourselves of things that rule, is an evil war lord cursed to roam the world in spirit form. Basically he runs around stomping people's holes who piss him off (which happens to be everyone). Lo Pan doesn't take shit from anyone; exactly the kind of character Lord of the Rings needed. If I directed the movie, I'd have casted Lo Pan as the lead, instead of that pussy Frodo. With Lo Pan in the movie, it would have been about 5 minutes long: first scene would have been Lo Pan ruining everyone's shit, killing all the babies and then spiking midgets off the ground. Oh man.
2. Not enough sex scenes. In fact, there weren't any.
So I paid $7 to see a movie with really high acclaim and great reviews; surely it was reasonable to assume that a movie of such supposedly high caliber must have sex in it. Expecting a solid two hours of better than porno sex, I was rendered impotent by chunky midgets with hairy feet instead. What the hell? I'm not the only one who feels the lack of offensive sex hurt the movie overall. In fact, I overheard a lady behind me whispering to her boyfriend "no sex? this is bullshit!" I want my 8 hours of my life back. Which leads me to my next point...
3. The movie was actually longer than the book (go figure).
In the time it took to watch this movie, I could have read the book, filed my tax return, proved the Riemann Zeta hypothesis and still had time to write a page about how boring the movie was. this movie was so boring that I turned into a middle-aged black woman when I fell asleep. Damn. It seems like every time some long-ass boring movie comes out, everyone gives it rave reviews (except for that dog shit Water World, not that I've seen it asshole). If this movie was any longer, it might have even been a contender for the longest movie ever made: Brave Heart. I have the attention span of a Fox News reporter when it comes to watching movies, and I was bored to tears near the end, and at the beginning... and during the middle part.
4. The king of Fairies was accidentally miscast as the king of men.
King of men my ass. This chump change was pissing me off left and right during the movie. "I'm afraid of the temptation.. I'm afraid... boo hoo, I'm a sissy boy, don't give me the ring, I might start wetting the bed again." What a pussy. If there was an Ogre about to kick my ass, which is impossible to imagine because I'm so tough that I can rip a phone book in half with my eye lids, I wouldn't let this nancy defend me. "Piss off Fairy King, I'd rather die."
5. It didn't have the Gandalf pimping scene in it.
Am I the only one who noticed that the entire Gandalf pimping scene was missing from the movie? I'm talking about the scene in which Gandalf happens across a magic crate full of enchanted pimp armor. The armor renders the wearer into a super-suave womanizing sex machine. After Gandalf discovers the magic garments, he journeys to the land of the golden shower on a pilgrimage of self-discovery to unleash the true power of his staff. During his quest, he's accompanied by his friend from the east side, Cop Killa. Together they bring down the law and clean house on an illegal pimping monopoly which dominates the market of fine Hobbit bitches in Hobbitville.
people died of boredom while watching Lord of the Rings
Posted by focusonthepain
at 5:19 AM EDT
queen of the damned is the worst movie ever made. EVER
pop quiz ass hole:
hollywood needs more...
a.)vampire movies
b.)romantic comedies
c.)zanny teen movies
d.)angst-filled leprechan rock star vampires
If you answered the above quiz, you're wrong. I'm not proud of it, but I haven't seen a movie this poor since Red Planet, which is saying a lot since I'd rather have my face bounced off of a telephone pole than having to see that again. First of all, this is not really a movie so much as a bullshit MTV propaganda machine.
I'm just going to come out and say it: I hate Vampire movies. All of them. Short of making a movie about a vampire lawyer, or an emergency room drama starring a vampire, every possible combination of vampire and profession has been done. I don't know if any directors will ever read this, but the whole techno neo-gothic dance club vampire thing has to go. PLEASE. I know it's the hip thing to make your character a vampire that goes to raver clubs, but it's not as cool as it seems, trust me. Nobody wants to see some skinny, pale white kid dancing to shitty techno in a "vampire club." Oooh, how original. Even if it was original, which it's not, it's a shitty idea. That's what this whole movie is about: lame dancing cyber techno vampires. Somebody shoot me. Or better yet, shoot anyone who liked this movie.
This movie starts out with a vampire rising from his grave because he hears his "kind of music." Apparently 16'th century feudal lords are into shitty modern alternative trash. Within the first five minutes of the movie, he joins a rock band and they literally play a music video during the credits. At this point I was looking for a hot iron to gouge my eyes out with. I don't know how they could have placed the music videos into the movie more shamelessly. I can just imagine the producer sitting around a table saying:
"Hmm... our record sales have been down the last couple of months.. what can we do to boost our sales? Can't we just use our media monopoly and make a movie about a Rock Star?"
"Sir, we already did that last month.. the movie was called Rock Star."
"I know! We'll make a movie about a VAMPIRE Rock Star!!!"
At one point in the movie the director gets all of his buddies on screen as extras. One of the vampires had a huge gut and bologna tits. It doesn't get any cooler than flabby vampires with saggy tits. Morons. Long story short, the only reason I stayed until the end was to see if they made a dedication to Aaliyah in the movie, but then I realized that it would have been more respectful if they just denied the movie ever existed.
damned queens have visited this page.
Posted by focusonthepain
at 5:11 AM EDT
Someone call the CDC, it turns out that Stupid is contagious after all.
I was sitting in my math class the other day watching the professor fumble through another train wreck of a lecture when a girl sitting one row behind me raised her hand. Clocking in at a healthy 5 questions in under 20 minutes, I could see already that I had no choice but to power bomb her through the wall during break. This girl is one of about five or so in my class, she's about 5.5 ft tall, shoulder length hair, toned body (because she's on the tennis ball team, which lost by the way), and she always wears jogging pants to class--the kind that make a loud grinding noise when you rub the pant legs together.
While this girl went on to ask her inevitably stupid question which would have made me dumber for listening to it, I started looking around at the morons sitting around me, each one thoughtfully nodding as the girl prattled on with her question, which was now fully realized as being stupid as I had predicted. I've decided that for the benefit of everyone taking (or planning on taking) upper level college classes, that I'd write a quick break down of the types of morons you'll encounter in college. The break down is as follows: first I'll document the main type of women with three sub-types, followed by the 3 main types of guys (different flavors of idiot).
1. There's only one type of woman: gabby.
I know that this doesn't have to be stated explicitly, as everyone already knows that all women are gabby. If you're a woman reading this and you disagree, it's probably because you have your head up your ass. Don't worry, I'll help you realize that arguing about it means that you'd have to write me hate mail, which makes you gabby by definition because nobody gives a shit about this stupid web page or that you were offended by it. So rather than elaborating on this obvious point, I'll move onto the three main sub-types.
i. Haughty bitch
The girl I mentioned above falls into this sub-category. Being one of the only 5 girls in my math class, and having the most toned body, she automatically thinks that all the guys want her, when the truth is that all the guys want her to shut up. This type of woman is usually under the impression that because she's the nicest looking girl in the math class, that she is indeed nice looking on an absolute scale and that she can get away with flirting with the professor to kiss her ass into upper level classes. She'll eventually realize that math majors are too geeky and inept to flirt with her, and that she's too much of a moron to pass the class. Usually ends up transferring to a community college and eventually dropping out.
ii. Always on the rag, cranky-hag.
This type of woman is also known as "super bitch." This is the one that comes in and slams her books on her desk and starts to whine to all her bitch friends about how bad she has it, because nobody else has to work and go to school but her. When you point out the fact that you work over 60 hours per week with a full time school schedule, she'll resort to her last ditch sympathy effort by telling you that she's pregnant, as if you're personally responsible for knocking her up. This type of woman is best dealt with like a Zombie: shotgun blast to the chest.
iii. The loud-mouth chick with a fat face.
Every class has one, you know who I'm talking about. The chick with the fat face who never shuts up. The only time she shuts up long enough for you to listen to the professor is while she's eating the lunch she brought with her (oh go right ahead, eat your sweet and sour chicken in class during lecture, nevermind the fact that class is only 50 minutes long and that you could stand to wait until it's over or skip a few lunches here or there entirely). She's friends with everyone in class on a first-name basis, EXCEPT you. She'll never bother to learn your name because she knows that you're onto her bullshit.
Now onto the guys. There are 3 main types of guys, all of which belong to one of the following categories:
i. The enlightened pseudo-intellectual.
This is the guy who's always challenging what the professor says. Shut up poindexter, if you knew what you were talking about, maybe people would pay to hear you give lectures instead of expecting your dumbass to come to class and shut the hell up.
ii. The eternal muse.
Doesn't quite know what the hell's going on, constantly bewildered by everything the professor says, even if it's a review from last week. The eternal muse always acts really interested in every word the teacher spews, as if it's literally being told for the first time to humanity. Asks a lot of questions, stays after to shoot the shit with the professor who's trying to avoid him so he can go back to his office and think about how much he hates his dumbass students. The eternal muse always fails his classes.
iii. The guy who "doesn't get it."
"I don't get it... I don't get it." Maybe if he'd shut up long enough and stopped asking stupid questions, he'd "get it." Or maybe he'll start to get it if I punch him in the face repeatedly. This is the guy who's always asking stupid Algebra 1010 questions in class. Look, if you don't know algebra by your junior year in college, drop out. If you're not in college and you don't know algebra, kill yourself so you don't breed another moron like you. If you don't know algebra by the time you graduate from high school, repeat the following phrase: "would you like fries with that?" because you're going to be saying it often.
People are the worst.
assholes go to school because their dumbass parents force them to.
Posted by focusonthepain
at 5:03 AM EDT
suicide isn't too bad, give it a try
ok i didn't write this to be a bitch but to get through to all the people who just say they are going to kill themselves to get attention or do small cuts for attention. its either do it or not. either kill yourself or i'll kill you myself.
Suicide isn't so bad, give it a chance.
Thinking about suicide but you're not sure if it's the right thing to do? Here are some tips to help you decide whether or not killing yourself is a good choice:
1. Do you live at home but your parents are always making you clean your room and do your homework? It's a sure sign that they don't love you and that they want you to kill yourself. Why else would they make you clean your room? What are they going to do next, ground you? Make you wear braces? Don't kid yourself, the message is clear.
2. If you just got out of a bad relationship and you feel like things are never going to get better; you're right. Everyone knows that suicide is the only option, stop procrastinating. Look on the bright side, at least your ex will feel guilty for a couple of minutes--but don't count on it.
3. Depressed? Don't have any friends? I guess nobody told you, but being depressed and feeling lonely isn't normal. Everyone else is happy, and has lots of friends so there must be something wrong with you. Put the prozac away, what you need is rat poison.
4. Spill a drink at a party? Drop a plate of food in a restaurant? Nobody else has to live with that kind of embarrassment; you know what you have to do.
5. Flunked out of college? Don't know algebra? Here's a question you should know the answer to: Flunked out of college + Don't know algebra = Time for _____. Chances are you still don't know the answer, so here's a hint: it starts with an 's' and ends in 'uicide'.
6. Traffic jam? Sometimes bad luck isn't a coincidence. Do you really want to sit in traffic for another half hour? Look on the bright side, if you're a viking you'll be going to Valhalla. Then again, you're probably not, but eternal damnation in hell is probably the next best thing.
7. Telemarketers keep calling? It's easier to hang yourself than to get rid of a telemarketer, am I wrong? If you're lucky, Home Depot might be having a sale on rope. After all, you don't want to die letting people think you weren't frugal.
8. Flu? You realize that there's no cure for the flu, right? Well, no cure that doesn't involve painting the wall with your brains.
9. Flat tire? Do I have to spell it out for you?
10. College application get rejected? Take the hint.
Hope you found this guide helpful, mention it in your suicide note. On second thought, why bother? Nobody will read it.
morons have killed themselves after reading this page.
Posted by focusonthepain
at 4:59 AM EDT
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